I feel like doubtful Thomas this Easter.
If you don't know who that is, let me fill you in. He was on of Jesus' 12 disciples. Meaning he spent years walking side by side with Jesus, seeing miracle after miracle, hearing the prophet's teachings, and being known as a guy in the inner circle of this miracle working Jewish son of a carpenter.
When Jesus rose from the dead and appeared to the disciples, Thomas wasn't among them initially. When all his buddy's told him that Jesus had risen and appeared to them alive and well, he simply did not believe it. Jesus then made a special appearance just for Thomas. (John 20:26-28)
I feel ya Thomas.
For those who don't know me, I've been a Christian pretty much my whole life. I've seen amazing things done in the name of Jesus. I've not been a "Sunday Christian" but an actively involved minister of the gospel: a preacher's daughter, a pastor's sister, a Sunday school teacher, a worship leader, and a pray-er.
Yet here I am, having doubts. So many doubts. Struggling with questions I was 1000% sure I knew the answer to. What the heck? Trust me, if that makes you concerned, imagine how concerning it is for me. I've shared these feelings with some of those who are close to me. I compared it to feeling like my entire house of faith has crumbled and I'm on my hands and knees, squinting through the dust of the demolition, trying to feel out the corners of my foundation.
Honestly, I hate it.
I liked being sure. I liked being confident in my knowledge. And maybe therein lies the problem.
I can't possibly go into every avenue of thought that I've wondered down. You'd be here all day. But just a glimpse into the minefield that was my thoughts: I thought about how my experiences with organized religion had been so full of hypocrites. Yikes. It's true though. One church fitted against the other because "that church" is allowed to wear short sleeve shirts. Like really? My mind went over so many years of different experiences, from interactions with those in positions of religious power and to those who had never stepped foot in a church. Sometimes those who had no profession of faith were a lot more pleasant. And don't act like that's not true, we all know it is. My mind raced over every possible belief system: like for real. And let's just say "is there even a God?" has found it's way to my brain. Ugh, I don't even like writing it.
But here's the thing.
I want to be authentic. Those of us who profess to be the Church can't afford to be anything but. I'm not perfect. I don't know everything. I struggle. I am struggling. And far be it from me to understand the fullness of God. And I think I was honestly getting to a point where I thought I had it figured out. What a numb-skull attitude to have.
I was a luke warm Christian. I think both God and I had had enough. And as a result, I felt like I hit rock bottom, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I felt so far from any belief or hope or faith. And in my brokenness and struggles, I said "God, how could you?" I honestly felt hopelessness.
And there is was, the moment of beauty in all the choas. I saw what life without hope and faith felt like. Me being a life long Christian, felt the feeling that so many who don't know Him felt. Like life was just life. We live, life sucks, we die. The end.
Depressed yet?
It was honestly a wake up call. How many people have I encountered who felt that hopeless feeling, and I being a religious tool didn't show one once of the Love that this Jewish son of a carpenter had taught? The only people he ragged on, was the kind of person I had become. Here I have been sitting on a Hope so profound and not showing it to anyone.
This Easter message at Church was necessary for me. I can't go into details because I've already taken up so much of your time. But in summary, it was necessary for my Pharisee like faith to die.
As much as it hurt. Just being honest.
To any of you who have read this far (really? don't you have anything better to do? ;), I'm sorry. I'm sorry for judging you. I'm sorry for thinking less of you because you didn't know as much as I thought I knew. I'm sorry for being one of the religious people that make Jesus seem not worth the jump of faith. I'm sorry for not being the Love that I should have been.
I'm still struggling. I am shooketh. I'm still shaken. I have belief, but I need help with my unbelief. I'm trying to rebuild, but this time with the right blocks. I'm trying to relearn.
But, I found Hope again.
And dear God, if I ever get to that hypocritical place again, feel free to knock me down once more.
