The End of an Era

 Before we decided to have kids, I told Eric "I only want kids if I can be a stay at home mom". Little did I know what that would truly entail.

But one thing I knew was that if I was gonna have kids, I wanted to raise them. I wanted to see every first, every bedtime, and wipe every tear. And he gave that to me. He worked late nights, long days, over nights, and on calls to make sure we were financially support the whole time. He didn't complain. He just laced up his boots every day and made it happen. 

I imagined that every day when he would come home, I'd meet him at the door with a clean happy baby on my hip, with my make up done and wearing clothes that I didn't sleep in the night before. This turned out to not be the case. For a while there I met him with an un-brushed messy bun from 3 days ago, an oversized t-shirt stained with vomit, a pale face from the lack of sleep and time to eat a proper meal, but I did however nail the clean happy baby part (most days). 

I poured all of me into those little goobers. Every night time cry, I got up and hushed them back to sleep. I gave up my body, my sleep, my energy, my time, my hobbies, my sanity, my job, my alone time, my everything to be their mom. And guess what, I'd do it again. Albeit, perhaps a little differently (maybe ask for a little more help) but again. 

We didn't have much outside help with raising our babies. Most family lived a ways away and we also had a few years of Covid in there to really nail the isolating part of being a stay at home mom. Our church life took a million different terms from the time I had my first kid, to the second, leaving us feeling like we were in the trenches alone. (Not you, Megan. You were always there <3)

It was hard. It was grueling. It was beautiful. It was rewarding. Every little kiss and tear seemed tangled up in a mess of emotions, from both them and myself. I learned some big lessons. Namely, if I want my kids to be "x", I have to go first. If I wanted calm kids, I had to be calm. If I wanted optimistic kids, I had to be optimistic. They were sucking (literally) everything from me, and learning from everything I was. It was a long path, but oh so very worth it.

Which brings me to now. My kids are 7 & 8. Some days they feel like they are there completely own independent person, but one big gust of emotion or tough day at school, and I'm reminded how much they still need me. But not like they used to. And I'll be honest, this transition is an interesting one. I rediscovering who I am without them (always) right beside me. I have some time to hear my own thoughts once again. Turns out, almost 9 years of parenting has changed me big time.  All those years of sacrificing myself were just as tricky to navigate as now having to find myself again. 

I say all this to say, I'm done. I am closing the chapter on being a full time stay at home mom. I ran a good race, I have finished the course. I know I'm extremely privileged to have had the opportunity, and I don't take it lightly. But it was hard. 

All those years have left me with two of the most beautiful human beings I have every known. They are my world and I am the luckiest girl in the world that they call me "mom". 

I decided to write a post on this for a few reasons. 1. My memory is crap and I want to remember these thoughts. 2. I have an immense amount of guilt going back to work, and I tried searching for words of wisdom from other moms who made the decision to go back to work, and there isn't much. I thought perhaps some one may come across these and feel a little less alone in the struggle - the struggle of young motherhood, the struggle of social isolation, the struggle of loss of self identity, the struggle of guilt, the struggle of not enjoying being home all the time.

Next week I'm easing into my new position for August, then jumping in full time in September when my kids are back to school. This is my last week of complete "freedom" as a stay at home mom. I left this week wide open, so I could just sit with the space of knowing this is the end    of an era. 

29 Things I've Learned in 29 Years

Tomorrow I turn 30. 

Yikes. 

Ain't no thing. Really. I've heard 30's are prime time; so I'm embracing them with my arms and heart wide open. 

The 20's were bitter sweet. Learning how to be married and live with a boy to having 2 whole humans growing inside of me, moving, renovations, traveling, jobs, all the things! It's a lot of highs and lows, and a whole lot of learning. 

However those tough tough times taught me lots of things, so did the good ones. I thought on the eve of the big three oh, I would summarize them for you. 

Get ready for wisdom.

1. Just because you CAN lift it, doesn't mean you should. Save your back; you're going to have it forever. 

2. Glasses and children are not a great combo. Get laser eye surgery before having kids. 

3. Hair has a way of not growing where you would like it, and growing where you don't. Deal with it. 

4. Everyone has a story. Listen long enough to want to pray for them rather than punch them in the throat.

5. Even good things should be done in moderation. Too much of a good thing, makes that good thing not a good thing. Kapeesh?

6. Friendships are priceless. If you have a good friend, don't take it for granted. If you have more than 1 count yourself the richest person alive. 

7. Everything everyone knows, they learned. You can learn it too. 

8. Invest your money. You can't make it fast enough for the government not to ruin it for you. Grow it yourself. 

9. Make your home beautiful! You're going to spend a lot of time there so make it a place you enjoy. 

10. Children are both the worst and the best. 'Nuff said.

11. Have kids if you want, don't have them if you don't want. They are a lifelong choice, don't let anyone pressure you into it. 

12. If something is bothering you, say something. Holding it in turns you into one grumpy Gus. 

13. Only buy used cars. Brand new cars are overrated. 

14. Honor your parents. Speak highly of them. Show them they matter. 

15. Learn how to pee in nature. It makes hiking and drinking water less stressful. 

16. Don't be afraid to ask for help. People aren't mind readers. 

17. Say Please and Thank you often. 

18. Trust your gut. If something feels off, it probably is. 

19. Like your body. Standards constantly change; peoples opinions change; be constant in appreciating yourself. 

20. Dry shampoo is King. Just use real shampoo twice next time you wash your hair. 

21. Always check if there's toilet paper when using a public washroom. 

22. Don't betray your younger self. You made the best decisions you could at the time. 

23. Listen like everyone can teach you something. Because they probably can. 

24. Drink lots of water. And get sun. You are basically a plant. 

25. Don't give up on your passions. Age is just a number. You are never too late. 

26. Your thoughts become you. Think wisely. 

27. Overalls will always be cool. 

28. Use laundry detergent to wash your floors. 

and finally...

29. Relax. No one else knows what they're doing either. 

Alright, 30...

Teach me more. 

Struggling

I feel like doubtful Thomas this Easter.

If you don't know who that is, let me fill you in. He was on of Jesus' 12 disciples. Meaning he spent years walking side by side with Jesus, seeing miracle after miracle, hearing the prophet's teachings, and being known as a guy in the inner circle of this miracle working Jewish son of a carpenter.
When Jesus rose from the dead and appeared to the disciples, Thomas wasn't among them initially. When all his buddy's told him that Jesus had risen and appeared to them alive and well, he simply did not believe it. Jesus then made a special appearance just for Thomas. (John 20:26-28)

I feel ya Thomas.

For those who don't know me, I've been a Christian pretty much my whole life. I've seen amazing things done in the name of Jesus. I've not been a "Sunday Christian" but an actively involved minister of the gospel: a preacher's daughter, a pastor's sister, a Sunday school teacher, a worship leader, and a pray-er.

Yet here I am, having doubts. So many doubts. Struggling with questions I was 1000% sure I knew the answer to. What the heck? Trust me, if that makes you concerned, imagine how concerning it is for me. I've shared these feelings with some of those who are close to me. I compared it to feeling like my entire house of faith has crumbled and I'm on my hands and knees, squinting through the dust of the demolition, trying to feel out the corners of my foundation.

Honestly, I hate it.

I liked being sure. I liked being confident in my knowledge. And maybe therein lies the problem.

I can't possibly go into every avenue of thought that I've wondered down. You'd be here all day. But just a glimpse into the minefield that was my thoughts: I thought about how my experiences with organized religion had been so full of hypocrites. Yikes. It's true though. One church fitted against the other because "that church" is allowed to wear short sleeve shirts. Like really? My mind went over so many years of different experiences, from interactions with those in positions of religious power and to those who had never stepped foot in a church. Sometimes those who had no profession of faith were a lot more pleasant. And don't act like that's not true, we all know it is. My mind raced over every possible belief system: like for real. And let's just say "is there even a God?" has found it's way to my brain. Ugh, I don't even like writing it.

But here's the thing.

I want to be authentic. Those of us who profess to be the Church can't afford to be anything but. I'm not perfect. I don't know everything. I struggle. I am struggling. And far be it from me to understand the fullness of God. And I think I was honestly getting to a point where I thought I had it figured out. What a numb-skull attitude to have.

I was a luke warm Christian. I think both God and I had had enough. And as a result, I felt like I hit rock bottom, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I felt so far from any belief or hope or faith. And in my brokenness and struggles, I said "God, how could you?" I honestly felt hopelessness.

And there is was, the moment of beauty in all the choas. I saw what life without hope and faith felt like. Me being a life long Christian, felt the feeling that so many who don't know Him felt. Like life was just life. We live, life sucks, we die. The end.

Depressed yet?

It was honestly a wake up call. How many people have I encountered who felt that hopeless feeling, and I being a religious tool didn't show one once of the Love that this Jewish son of a carpenter had taught? The only people he ragged on, was the kind of person I had become. Here I have been sitting on a Hope so profound and not showing it to anyone.

This Easter message at Church was necessary for me. I can't go into details because I've already taken up so much of your time. But in summary, it was necessary for my Pharisee like faith to die.

As much as it hurt. Just being honest.

To any of you who have read this far (really? don't you have anything better to do? ;), I'm sorry. I'm sorry for judging you. I'm sorry for thinking less of you because you didn't know as much as I thought I knew. I'm sorry for being one of the religious people that make Jesus seem not worth the jump of faith. I'm sorry for not being the Love that I should have been.

I'm still struggling. I am shooketh. I'm still shaken. I have belief, but I need help with my unbelief. I'm trying to rebuild, but this time with the right blocks. I'm trying to relearn.

But, I found Hope again.

And dear God, if I ever get to that hypocritical place again, feel free to knock me down once more. 

Hailey - Birth to 6 Months

Today I had one of those moments where you look around and just start feeling overwhelmed. But not at the Everest of laundry or the sink (or 2) full of dishes.

I was overwhelmed with gratitude. I love my life. I love my babies. And mostly, I love the man who helped me make this life and these babies.

Today marks 6 months that Baby Hailey has been in this world - and I can't believe it! Already SIX MONTHS! How? When? Why?

Anyway, here's a little monthly recap for you:

ONE MONTH

 - Sleeps about 22 hours a day

- Gaining weight like a champ (shocked the health nurse)
- Wakes up about 3 times at night, eats, and goes back to sleep

- Very chill

TWO MONTHS

 - Stays awake for about 2 hours at a time

-Sleeps well at night, gets up about 3 times, eats and goes back to sleep

- Witching hour is real! Cries from about 6pm-10pm
-Starting to smile a little 

- Cheeks for days! 

THREE MONTHS

 -Witching hour still very real! Going outside makes her happy in those times.

- Smiles, even though it's hard with those cheeks

- Poops like a champ! 

-Had needles and check up and about 12 pounds (atta girl)
- Likes to be held to nap, but now sleeps in her own crib at night

- takes about an hour to rock her to sleep at night

FOUR MONTHS

 - Bye bye witching hour - I have my happy girl back! 

- Wakes up about 2-3 times at night, but goes back to sleep within 5 minutes

- Has about 4 naps a day

- Loves to be held and see people

-Pretty quiet girly

FIVE MONTHS

 - Takes naps alone in her crib during the day

- Wakes up about 2 times a night, and goes right back to sleep after eating

-Still breastfeeding, not a fan of solids

- SMILES! All the SMILES! 

- Poops out of all her diapers! 

- Thinks her brother is a hoot! 

SIX MONTHS

- About 18 pounds (I haven't actually weighed her)

- Always rolling on her tummy

- Loves to jump in her jollly jumper

-Squeals! 

- Has the fruffiest hair. 

- Wakes up about 2 at night

- Goes to sleep in her crib by herself

- Bottom two teeth finally popped through

- Loves to giggle

All in all, these 6 months have flown by. So much has happened. So much has gone wrong in 2018, but she is the one thing that's been completely right. 

I honestly was afraid of having a girl because, let's face it, we ain't easy. And I've never been much of a girly girl to being with. But so far, I see so much of myself in her, and I feel like I know how to handle myself...sometimes.

With Wesley being such an easy baby, I thought (and was told) I was probably in for a doozy! I was probably going to pay for having it too easy! lol. But in most ways, she's been easier than Wesley. A lot of that probably has to do with the fact that I know some things now, and don't have to question every little thing. 

My approach with parenting has been very relaxed so far, which is surprising because I thought I would be much more uptight. But I let the kids teach me how to be a good mom, rather than a book. That doesn't mean, that works for everyone, but it works amazingly for me! Eating, sleeping, playing, cuddling, repeat. We all have good routines. Kids go to bed at 8pm everynight (had to work on that since Hailey was going to bed at 11pm when she was 3 months), which leaves a few hours to spend with Eric - making us better partners and parents. 

I know I'm gonna want more kids, but I truly am content with these two babies of mine. 

They are my perfect. 

Baby Hailey

I did it again.

I successfully made another human.

This is kind of a big deal because it's been my greatest life accomplishment so far. In all the amazing things I've been able to experience in my life, my family has been my favorite.

This is the story of how little Hailey made her way into the world.

When I was about 32 weeks pregnant, the Doctor asked me if had made a decision about either wanting to have another c-section, or try to give birth. I was totally on the fence. I could see the pros and cons to both and those are the toughest decisions. I kept weighing my options as the weeks went on.

At the same time, the Doctor was a little concerned about how big the baby was getting. This lead to a few ultrasounds, and blood sugar testing. Each ultrasound showed that she was bigger than she was "suppose to be", however I passed the two blood sugar tests. Apparently high blood sugar levels can make the baby grow extra big. I ended up having to test my blood sugars at home 4 times a day, like a diabetic. All was well, but the baby was still gonna be big.

This all led to the decision that it would be better for me to have a c-section, as my body was unable to get out Wesley out, and it looked like this baby would be even bigger. So, a c-section was scheduled for June 12th. I met with the surgeon, discussed what I needed to do to prepare for the surgery, and then eagerly awaited the day.

On the evening of June 9th, I started to sense something may be happening. The whole evening was spent with these random waves of pain. At this point in my pregnancy, I was almost in constant pain because of how gigantic my belly was. I tossed the idea back and forth of whether or not to go to the hospital, as it may be nothing.

Around 10pm, I figured it's better to be safe than sorry... and I didn't think I could sleep with the pain anyway. So off we went to the hospital, leaving Wesley with my parents at home.

When we got to the hospital, who should be standing right at the baby ward desk? My Doctor. He looked at me wobbling in and asked "Are you in labour?" To which I really didn't have an answer.

He did the monitoring and checking, and sure enough, she was coming.

At this point, I could have tried to labour, or just stick with the c-section. As luck would have it, the c-section team was on their way to do another c-section (which was also why my Doctor was already there too). I had already mentally accepted that I was going to have a c-section, so I said "let's slice me open".

From there things went pretty quickly, I was prepped for surgery and rolled into the OR. I was numb but very much awake. The team came in and pushed and pulled and all sorts of sensations, until I heard a little cry. The Doctor popped around from the curtain dividing me from my open abdomen, holding the fattest, purplest little baby.

She was plump and perfect.

Eric got to hold her while they stitched me up. I stared at her chubby little face with such happiness. I was taken to recovery and soon thereafter, Eric brought her to me. Of course recovery was filled with the violent shivers, like I had the first time, and I drifted to sleep a few times, but all in all, I recovered well.

We spent the next 3 days in the hospital, recovering and bonding. Recovery from a c-section is not the easiest thing, but as it turns out, it was the right call. The Doctor said that he could tell from the way things were looking, just the short time I was in labour, that my body was having trouble getting her out. Plus, they were able to repair a hernia that had occurred towards the end of the pregnancy from how stretched out my stomach got.

Because of her size, they tested her blood sugar levels as well, eventually they leveled out which allowed us to go home.

Since being home, Hailey gained all her weight back, and actually shocked the public health nurses how quickly she bounced back, since she sleeps most of the day and only nurses for about 6 minutes when she does wake up.

Wesley has accepted that their is another little human taking our attention and time, and has adjusted well. He even gives his little sister kisses, and puts the dirty diapers in the garbage for me. :)

I am feeling good, and getting better everyday! Eric has been the best: doing all of the work around the house, plus taking care of all three of us.

I'm in love with my little family and doing my best to enjoy every moment!

The Storm

June of last year looked so different.

At exactly this time in 2017, we had saved enough money to buy a second house to renovate as an investment property, I had settled into the routine of being a stay at home mom, and I felt like I had a good handle on things.

Little did I know that the next 12 months would be the hardest of my life.

To save you from the longest post ever, I'll sum up some things.

June of 2017 thrust me into a position of leadership and learning that I never expected: I became a leader of our church. For those who have never lead in such a position will never fully understand the gravity of that statement. It came with so many tears and uncertainty.

In the summer of 2017 I spent a large portion of my time and energy learning how to be a construction site manager. Yes, you heard me right. I suddenly found myself overseeing our church project of making a place for ourselves. To say this was stressful is an understatement. I learned so many things the hard way.

Let me remind you that during this time, we were paying two mortgages and had an empty house waiting to be fixed which my parents were going to move into as a joint investment.

Then came September ... which brought a pregnancy.

Pregnancy for me is like a judge sentencing me to 9 months of torture. I know so many have it worse, and many wish they could experience it. But that doesn't stop the fact that I'm sick for most of it.

This fact made the winter long and hard, combined with the fact that Winter of 2017/2018 was, in fact, long and hard.

With a baby on the way, and a steady hand on church leadership, the plan was to focus our attention onto that empty house.

Or so we thought.

Come New Year's 2018 - Eric literally tore his muscle off. He lifted an item at work and tore the bicep tendon off the bone. This injury required surgery and months of physiotherapy. Needless to say this threw a wrench in the plans yet again.

When finally cleared for light duty in May of 2018, I had become so gigantically pregnant that I was of no use to him on the construction front. He spent his time working on the very few things he could do without ruining his arm for good.

That brings us to June of 2018. After such a long and trying time, a ray of sunshine came into our world on June 10th. Little did we know how  much love we had in our hearts to give - that after such storms comes a rainbow.

And because God has a sense of humor, he placed a little cherry on top, just to make sure I got the picture and maybe learnt the lesson.

Last night, we literally faced a storm unlike anything I have ever experienced. It started as something kind of beautiful and exciting but suddenly turned into something terrifying and overhwhelming. As it raged on, and we stared out the window watching things get destroyed, I realized there was nothing I could do. All of it was in the hands of the creator.

This evening we walked around looking at the damage, and I couldn't help but thank God that he's still God in the storms.

Wesley - 7 to 12 Months

Seven Months

Can sit on his own
Tips over sometimes
Loves to cuddle and gab
Always smiling, giggling, and shaking his head
Holds his own bottle
Loves seeing his own reflection
Wakes up about 2 times a night
Loves his baby food

Eight Months

 Learning how to interact with objects

Figured out how to roll efficiently ;)

Actually enjoys being on his tummy

Eats a little bit of finger foods

Sings himself to sleep in the car

Laughs at the puppy

Goes to bed around 8pm; only wakes up once

Nine Months

Can stand while holding on to something

Getting very curious about everything

Knows how to open cupboards

Kind of shuffles on his bum sometimes

Very sensitive to the word no

Started sleeping right through the night (on mama's birthday)

Two little teeth poked through (bottom middle)

Ten Months

Can pull himself to standing 

Loves to watch the world from the front window

Says "dada" a lot!

Started rejecting his soother except for night

Army crawls a little bit

Loves walking in his walker from Auntie Ria

Prefers just playing with one toy

More teeth coming; can be pretty fussy

Started clapping

Eleven Months

Realized how to crawl in one day

Two more teeth ontop

Loves to walk while holding onto fingers

Usually standing in his crib when I go get him

Quite content to play alone

Pretty attached to mama

Figured out how to climb stairs

Three more teeth

One Year

Eight teeth total

Grabs my fingers and walks me to the back door

LOVES to be outside! 

Appetite for life and food!

Walks around the house with his push walker

Loves to give wide open mouth kisses

Likes to watch people

Lights up when he sees mama and dada

Flexes his muscles around Gamma and Gampa

My big boy is a year already! Eeeesh! Honestly that went by so fast. I remember getting clothes that were for 6 months, 9 months, or a year, and thinking "he won't need those for a long time". But it happened over night!

Although we're in the stage of learning, which often results in a lot more bumps and tears, his zest for life is infectious! He's always doing something! But he still is a cuddle bug sometimes, and can sit still for a good amount of time. 

Here's to many many more years!!!